Please do not Read the Last Post

OK, a bit of a confession/apology to make here:

I was rushed on Friday and didn't have a chance to read the post in full. Now, apparently this post contained some very hateful, mean, and disturbing things (which I will not go into here). Most of the time I do, in fact, write my own material, but I will admit, that particular post was ghost written on my behalf by Allegheny County Councilman Charles McCullough, who offered it to me at the last minute as a favor. Chuck claimed that is was a minor amendment to a previously approved posting, but I just got duped into posting the most vile and awful bit of filth, it seems.

Like I said, I didn't have a chance to read it before it got posted, but it contained some very, very awful, disgusting, lewd, and amoral things. So anyone who did read it, I recommend that you clear it from your cache and forget about it. I've already deleted it so you won't find it here.

I'm truly sorry for this incident, especially the part about the puppies and the rotissomat. That was horrible.

Thank you, and again I apologize. (And shame on you Mr. McCullough for what you said about Rich Fitzgerald's hair and his sexual deviances!)

Election Day

...dammit!

Unless, of course, you're not voting for my candidate. In which case, our votes will offset, so neither of us should bother going to the polls. I'll hold up my end of the bargain if you will, I swear.

Something About Where the Choo-Choo Goes

The city's newspaper of record finally caught up with its not-being-sued-by-Mylan rival and published a story about last week's East End Rail proposal to Council, which can be found here in all of its sic transit gloria.

This proposal is appealing in that it seeks to do with 80 million bucks what the North Shore connector is trying to do with a zillion-bagillion bucks, which makes the calculations so much easier for those of us that don't have advanced degrees in hyper-imaginary accounting. There's a couple of problems in the proposal, however.

First (and this is kind of addressed in the presentation), this proposal seems to be a bit like renting out a semi in order to haul a credenza a block and a half to your new apartment -- heavy rail is sort of overkill for such a short service area. Now, if the line went all the way up north to Indiana County or south to the Mon Valley, maybe these stops would make sense, but it currently seems a bit much. In the proposal's defense, it does say that the line should link up with other proposed lines, which makes much more sense. Indeed, if you're going to have this type of system, we should be thinking about using other heavy rail lines to create a network of suburban commuter opportunities, use light rail as "high speed intra-city connectivity," and use buses as local connectors. Heavy rail, however, doesn't seem to be the right tool for a relatively small service area with frequent stops.

Of course, this gets to the second critique: the proposal isn't easily connected into the existing systems. If you want to get Downtown, you need to jump off and take another mode of transportation. While Oakland may be "bursting at the seams," Downtown is still the major commercial nexus for the region. Perhaps this criticism is a moot point, as it's fairly easy right now to get from Oakland/Lawrenceville/Hazelwood to Downtown anyway. Without expansion, however, I wonder if it makes sense to add in a fourth public transportation option into the mix, with all the extra overhead costs that may entail.

Then there's RIDC's Bill Widdoes' quote, "CSX is a tough negotiator," which has to be competing with "Water is wet" for the understatement of the year award. CSX, it is widely known, doesn't want to deal with anyone, ever. Even simple "rails-to-trails" project on defunct lines get tied up in years of legal morass. Cities, States, Authorities have no eminent domain powers over rail lines, so it's nearly impossible to get anything done on the local level without begging, borrowing, or stealing (although it's usually limited to only the first one). IF CSX signs on (and it's a big "if"), maybe there's something to the proposal, but right now I'm not holding my breath.

[This all sets aside the logistical nightmare of passenger rail sharing a line with freight rail should CSX actually agree to the proposal.]

And then there's the giant elephant in the room: the Mon-Fayette expressway. I can't imagine that Whitman, Requardt & Associates didn't notice that their proposed alignment runs right through where the folks at PennDOT and the Turnpike Commisssion really, REALLY want to lay their pipe dream down. (I mean, you can almost hear their angry, frantic, disappointing mutual masturbation when you get near the former LTV site, so much so that it causes cats to yowl.) Now, don't get me wrong: this is a great alternative to the MFX circle jerk, but with bureaucratic processes and political weightiness being what they are, I can see the whole process being stopped because somebody, somewhere wants to build a fifty-gazillion dollar clusterfuck along the Mon, goddammit!

Obviously, however, this is just a proposal, but it's probably one of the least insane proposals to come before City Council in some time and it would be a good first step in creating a high-speed, integrated regional transit solution.

Which means, of course, that the whole damned thing is doomed from the get-go.

A Bureaucrat's Aside Re: Halloween

Last night on Halloween, I swear I saw the ghost of the late Councilwoman Tonya Payne on Grant Street.

It was scary.

You've Got Mail!

Well, by now all of yinz have heard about this little bit of alleged cyber-snooping:

Some Pittsburgh City Council members think someone's peeking at their e-mails. Mayor Luke Ravenstahl's administration insists the alleged snooping is a figment of council's imagination.

That's the standoff that emerged yesterday from debate on legislation sponsored by Councilman William Peduto that would require the sign-off of the top city lawyer and Ethics Hearing Board chair before anyone could browse the e-mail in-box of an elected official or director.

"If there are people who are reading our e-mails ...," began Mr. Peduto.

"And you know there are," interrupted Councilwoman Tonya Payne.

"... They're going to be referred to the District Attorney" under the new policy, Mr. Peduto continued.

And while City CIS denies it, let me assuage Council's fears that they are being spied on: you are. I should know, it's my job.

Here's what I've uncovered:

* Councilmen Peduto and Dowd have had an ongoing email thread about which Star Trek Captain is better, Kirk or Picard. (Surprisingly, Peduto says "Picard").

* Councilman Motznik has replied to 35 spam emails about "How to regrow your hair" and three about "Xtending your P3N1S 51ze".

* Councilwoman Harris has forwarded on 382 picture of dogs with stupid captions.

* Council President Doug Shields has only sent one email, but it was 5,389,203 words long.

* Councilwoman Smith believes that if she forwards a certain chain email, Bill Gates will give her $5.

* Councilwoman Payne prints off all her emails, writes a response on the printed copy, and sends the response via USPS.

* Both Councilmen Burgess and Kraus actually use their email for Council related business, which makes their emails totally useless to read.

Still, to be fair I've been reading the emails of the Mayor's Office staff too -- it's mostly Smurf erotica from John Verbanac.

Pittsburgh Foundation Match Game

As you may have heard, yesterday The Pittsburgh Foundation matched donations for Pittsburgh not-for-profits in a whirlwind online event. The available pool of matching funds of $300,000 was tapped out in 23 minutes with many potential donors locked out of the system and left unable to donate.

Among the 350 organizations that received funding were the Greater Pittsburgh Community Food Bank, the Pittsburgh Zoo and PPG Aquarium, the Pittsburgh Public Theater and Pittsburgh City Theatre. There were, however, many non-profits that didn't receive any funding whatsoever:

* The Luke Ravenstahl School for Legislating Good and Stuff,

* The Zober Evil Foundation,

* The Pittsburgh Pubic Theater,

* Steel City Goat Spankers,

* UPMC,

* The Pittsburgh Pothole Appreciation Society,

* The Jeff Reed Fund for Kicking, and

* The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review

Better luck next time.

SWM 29 ISO BBI Chief

This should surprise no one:

Sergei Matveiev, head of Pittsburgh's Bureau of Building Inspection, has resigned effective Nov. 20, he said today.

I haven't received a copy of the job description yet, but I imagine it to read (in part) as:

A qualified candidate must
- be able to function on less than 2 hours of sleep per night, following late night phone calls from the Mayor's Office and City Council persons...
- be able to withstand blistering criticism and humiliation in the press...
- be able to manage a department that is understaffed and overworked...
- show no possible hope of advancing anywhere, ever...
- be willing to be fired with out warning at any time...
- be able to "creatively interpret" rules for developers who are friends of the mayor...

Brown-nosing, book licking, and proficiency in Microsoft Excel a plus.

I wonder if John Verbanac has any recommendations for the post.

PA State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe Believes Dwarves Are Stealing His Socks

In an official interview to ADB+, PA State Rep. Daryl Metcalfe has admitted to our editorial board that he believes that dwarves are stealing his socks.

"I´m not saying that all dwarves are stealing my socks -- the longbeards and firebeards are particular exceptions -- but my socks are going missing, and the only explanation is that dwarves are doing it."

Rep. Metcalfe met with our editorial board (which he collectively refered to as "Alan" throughout the meeting) yesterday, and discussed topics ranging from his recent disagreement with Iraq war veterans to his belief that the current President is not a citizen of the United States. He spent most of his efforts, however, in discussing dwarves that are stealing his socks.

"They´re probably using them to make formulas to brainwash us. That´s why I always keep my feet in water -- they´re like ants, they can´t get through the water. And they need you´re socks to brainwash you... no one else´s socks will work. I caught one of them once. He looks like my Bassett Hound Terry, but I could tell the difference. They´re sneaky bastards."

The interview ended abruptly when Rep. Metcalfe yelled "Bats!" and lept out the window.

More tomorrow in ADB+.

John Verbanac Responds to Acklin Debate Allegations

Cranberry businessman John Verbanac today denied allegations that he was, in fact, exerting influence on the Ravenstahl administration.

In a televised debate last night, candidate for mayor Kevin Acklin suggested proof that Mr. Verbanac was a Dark Lord of the Sith, as evidenced by emails intercepted by Bothan spies.

"Such accusations are baseless," said Verbanac in a written statement, "I am just an old man and a Senator from the Sovereign System of Naboo."

These denials were immediately rebutted by the Acklin campaign, who has evidence that both Verbanac's aprentices were slain by Jedi in mysterious circumstances: former advisor Dennis J. Regan was found sliced in two at the bottom of a shaft on Mr. Verbanac's home planet, and Patrick Ford's severed head was found after a confrontation with Chief of Staff Yarone Zober. According to Acklin, both had become "extraneous" to Verbanac's plans, and were allowed to die.

Kevin Acklin today released a statement indicating that Verbanac held key influence over the hiring and firing of city employees, the crafting of city policy, and is secretly creating an "ultimate weapon" in the form of some sort of moon.

Several Jedi have anonymously offered their opinion that the Mayor has been under the influence of a Dark Lord for some time, although they say that the dark side is clouding their vision of who this Dark Lord actually is.

Emails released make a veiled reference to an "Order 66," which was to be carried out should the Mayor win the November election.

Pittsburgh City Council has begun hearings on the issue, and is expected to refer the matter to a committee.

Allegheny County Names Ego After Cyril Wecht

Allegheny County has officially renamed its County of the Second Class Ego after forensic pathologist, local Democratic Party fixture, man about town, and former coronor Cyril H. Wecht.

Earlier this year, federal prosecutors dropped corruption charges against Dr. Wecht, 78, who had been accused of using his former county staff for personal gain. A criminal trial in the case had previously ended in a mistrial, although it was repleat with the phrase "cadaver stealing".

When reached for comment, Dr. Wecht said it was "a great honor, although, frankly, Dr. Cyril Wecht was hoping for a bigger honor, for me, Dr. Cyril Wecht."

Under Commonwealth statute, municipal entities are entitled to egos once they reach second class status, and become unbearable once they reach first class status.